sodium sparkle vixen sulfate

tomorrow does not exist

"You know the old saying about where there is smoke there is fire? At the very minimum, this type of clearly intentional image tampering undeniably exist here in the MGS MOC data and its purpose is clearly to hide something specific in this terrain and keep it away from public knowledge. What do you think that something is? Do any of you really believe that someone is going to all this trouble and expense to hide rocks, soil or other geology or for that matter surface water? There just is no conceivable reason to do so unless we are to believe that the secrecy agenda types involved in our space exploration programs have lost their minds.
Logically the goal of this level of tampering purposefully creating geological dune look illusions is to hide life on another world just as is the case with the Moon imaging. But, if so, what is there to hide about simple biological life like trees or even lichen forests? How can that be perceived as any kind of significance to anyone here on Earth and warrant secrecy for that reason? Logically we have to move on past geology and simple biological life reasons to intelligent civilized life to even begin to understand any reasoning for the secrecy. But, what could possibly be perceived as necessary for secrecy about civilizations on another distant world running around on their planet at technological levels matching or less than our own? How can that be worthy of secrecy? Can you buy into that?
To me, this evidence of going to all of the trouble and expense of this image tampering and keeping so much as secret as possible from our own people logically only begins to make just a little sense if we are talking about, not just intelligent civilized life, but technologically advanced life more advanced than our own and very likely a lot more advanced. First, life that has the capacity to not only easily defend its own turf but to deliver a very real threat directly to Earth if need be thereby galvanizing the need for great caution on our end. Second, life that has something (technology?) that someone here on Earth wants to gain and monopolize without being interfered with here on Earth by laws, moral conventions, and public interference.
As Mr. Spock on Star Trek would say, the logic is inescapable. That is unless you wish to believe that the secrecy agenda types here on Earth are benevolent and are doing all this to protect us from ourselves (46+ year old Brookings Report anyone?) and for the good of us all so that we will not have to experience disturbing change (growth?). I have no doubt that they would justify their position in this regard. Okay maybe it is the suspicious professional investigator in me but, while I might be able to accept a very few unique individuals as having some benevolent intentions like this, I find it very hard to accept the secrecy agenda collective as a whole here on Earth as being mostly benevolent in its intentions. That just does not match my experience, or for that matter historical experience, with Earth humanity leadership in association with the exercise of secrecy in conjunction with power.
As a matter of argument, if our social systems are so tender and built on sand that they can be so easily toppled by such knowledge, then what good are such systems to us really! If that's the case, then we need to grow into better more realistic systems that better fit our greater environment and its reality. If other life advanced beyond our own exists around us in our greater planetary environment, then future interaction with it is as absolutely certain as anything can be and trying to pretend and hold back hanging onto junk and useless stuff is just not conducive to basic survival must less surviving reasonably well.
Likewise, we know that power and especially isolation along with power corrupts big time. The old feudal system of the haves and have not's and we as surfs with lords over us making our decisions for us like children is suppose to be long gone. Those promoting secrecy create isolation for themselves forming polarizing schisms between them and us. Further, the secrecy hands over immense corrupting power to them without any form of check and balance. If we want to be a part of shaping our own destiny, we're going to have to step up to the task of closing and healing this schism before power corrupted self serving ends an paranoia has its way in behind the scenes decision making beyond our awareness putting more than just our social systems in jeopardy.
Do you want some secret few to do all your thinking and decision making for you? The last time I looked wide spread ignorance never and I do mean NEVER comes to a good end. If we allow ourselves to be treated like children or cattle, then that's what we become by default because we are what we actually do, not what we say we're going to do or intend to do. By participating in this passive do little to nothing way, we literally insure that we will be treated in this way by events and anyone else concerned. It is all a matter of choice and choosing to not choose is most definitely a choice and with consequences."

sudden social butterfly-ness? crazy, crazy, world-upside-down but better this way because it feels more right side up now, and what changed? the past week has been so different, but better in regards to relationships and life (F_Work) and is it because of spring? gcm called this evening with 'Spring is here!' and it's true, the long winter of 2007/2008 is finally gone, thankgwad.
and on this beautiful, sunny, april day, michelle came over after work! and so this extra friend-ful day has been somewhat extra michelle-centric. today, much like yesterday, could not be much better if i had even imagined it (another story) let see for today it began by getting her a yerba mate at tullys, her dropping off jellybeans at my desk (but only the red & green ones because she knows i only like those = +15 pts right there) plus she gave me some incense tonight and like 6 texts? ahh.. be still my heart. she does not yet know how much she truly loves you.
*sigh*
i let her read a page from my paper journal aloud tonight. if that is not facing one of my greatest fears right up front... i hope that was a good idea. it was mostly 'i hate my friends, tomorrow is shot day' stuff from 2005, which is in stark contrast to how im feeling at the moment.

because i love my friends! and the past few days have been super. thank the stars for that i really needed it.

my favourite things right now: (in order)
deep conversations with friends; devotion
alopecia
banana creme pie from mom
beach house

good friday called a week late.
in other words, how awesome today has been! a new/old friend called me this evening, we talked for a couple hours... about all kinds of crazy stuff. for instance; doing laundry, apple products, baum's oz, bunches of movies (since we are both movie-jores), clothes, cars, work stuffs... an actual good conversation. she is super nice too. the first time i have actually talked to her on the phone. i gave her 50 points for calling. which is huge, i don't usually give out that many points to anyone at once. that was definitely a drunken sailor move. i think leonard may have gotten that many when he changed the oil in my car? it looks like yet another friendship may have rooted and bloomed this day.
and such an odd day too, nevermind the annoying all-day snow storm. odd was finding myself spending 4 hours at the everett test lab (for not being in the 56 bldg is always a good thing). other good/odd things; kissing michelle on the forehead. getting a $5 Tullys card from anthony. getting a letter from aila (not really odd now that we are writing again). going out to lunch with the guys including special guest: james wife! having a strawberry margarita and enchiladas poblanos. leaving work early because of the snow.
finding lynchland episode 20 video podcats. which is an odd futuristic masterpiece. and deserves it's own line here. Feng!
oh! and getting new music from sonicboom for my birthday; in no particular order...
Why? - Alopecia;
Vampire Weekend - s/t;
Beach House - Devotion;
Bob Marley - Legend;
Benoit Pioulard - Precis.
i am randomly trying three of these... with low expectations of course. after all, i have been listening to radiohead exclusively for about 2 months. and no signs of that changing anytime soon.

beat James at chess today. i saw this once-in-a-blue-moon opening which sent my queen all the way over from my QR1 to take his rook at KR8. that opportunity rarely appears in early game, and it totally put him off guard - all i needed to start a flank and it worked. the game ended with my rook and pawn vs his king pacing up and down the board. first time i have beat him, and i know he rarely loses. this made my day. chess is brilliant by design. i am in awe of it lately.
also in tales of awe, michelle! and gcm bringing cruisin coffee on a late saturday night when i should've been in acorn-otis...so awesome! and then there is new stephanie, working at tullys stephanie, who was for some odd reason one of my first waking thoughts this morning, and then i walk into the bldg with her, get to chat with her, and then she made me incredible (for tullys) coffee? what was up with that? i think she is a star child.
today has been a good-weird day. and it's true, i have amazing friends again. thank you.

still alive.

	

	

	

		
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How compatible with me are YOU?

today has been a good day to go back and read entries from my old tgpeanut journal.
i feel that i cant elucidate myself as well as i used to. im not sure why yet. i write entries and more often than not will delete them instead of posting because they seem so pointless. im my own worst critic.
and besides, my life is currently not that interesting at all. at least not to me.

too many things have not changed where i had expected that they would.

at least i am still alive and employed. that i can be thankful for.
i can also be appreciative for having anjali in my life. although not a perfect situation for either of us, it is still comforting to know that there is someone who does care for me deeply.

"I really wouldn't have minded getting into the christmas spirit this year. I wouldn't have minded to have a little help decorating or christmas shopping. I really wouldn't have minded if everybody around me would have just faded away. I really wouldn't have minded getting taken care of or at least feeling decent for at least a day or two. I am so frustrated with my family. I am frustrated with my current relationships. I am frustrated with my health. I am tired of being in the middle of family drama. There are members of my family that I just don't like anymore. People that I feel guilty about not liking because I feel because they are family that I am somehow obligated to love them and be there for them. But when everybody is feuding and when I'm thrown into the middle of it, I tend to step back and take a look at what's really going on. And this time I seeing things in people that I really just DO NOT LIKE. To the extent that I don't want to have anything to do with them anymore just to make my life run a little easier. But what is so FRUSTRATING is that because they are still my FAMILY, I am going to have an extremely difficult time phasing them out of my life because they are still family and no matter how much I hate it there will always be some sort of connection. It's like chris and that stupid erin. No matter how much I hate her and the fact that she exists, no matter how much it bothers me, no matter how much easier life would be if she wasn't around at all, there's nothing I can do that will make her disappear because no matter what chris and her still have some kind of revolting relationship so it is next to impossible to make her disappear. That is SO frustrating. I would prefer to just eliminate any person place or thing that causes me stress or discomfort. now that i think about it.. i dont even want to think about it any more. I am tired of all of this drama. I want to not be involved. I want to take off and just leave all of my things and just leave and never come back, never even LOOK back. But is that even possible? The answer MAY be yes but usually wiggles its way back into a no. Fuck christmas and families and relationships and loneliness and all of that bullshit. really.... maybe i should just be ultimately alone. whatever"
and thank you, sugarpuff.

Well that turned out okay, Chris coming over I mean. He didnt bring Heater and I was so happy for that. He apologized for not being around~ I told him it had been 5 months and he was shocked, but it was the truth. He was surprised at how blonde my hair is and how long my nails are... but other than that it was just same old chris. Of course he played GTA3 for 5 hours!
needless to say I didnt get any dinner.
I also got a note from Ando yesterday, I was shocked. He said that he still wants to be friends and was hoping to see me next week! Unfortunately I have plans so I will try to reschedule.
Tonight I do believe I am going out for beers with TL. Im actually looking forward to it, if it happens... but I know that her mood may squelch the evening fun.
In other news I got the new Pretty Girls Make Graves CD and its excellent.

it snowed yet again. SO tired of it.
Got to watch A.I. last night. Weird movie. Kinda cool in some aspects. It couldve been much much better.
I think everyone saw that in the past week.
Its really strange to roll in to work at 5:30 am. The parking lot is busy and all, but once inside the bldg, it is a virtual ghost town until around 6:30 am. And since no one is sitting near me today I feel a bit isolated. Gives me too many opportunities to surf.
Im starting to get anxious about my birthday, I wonder how it will go this year? I pretty much expect it to come and go without much fanfare. It will be interesting to see who remembers. I keep meeting people lately that have birthdays either in march or on my birthday. Its odd. I dont know what that means.
I got a call last night from Terras dad, she came through surgery just fine.
Tonight Im having Chrissy over for dinner and a movie. 2 dates back to back! you'd almost think I was popular!

here is my new journal. I had to delete my old one for personal reasons. I will add *most* of my old friends. all following entries will be 'friends only' or marked private.